Dealing w/Loss, coming to Acceptance
It’s incredible how as human beings we think we have control or plans over anything. I think one of my biggest observational learnings had been witnessing the insane gameplay of life. Of self, of those around me. Acknowledging the constant work of the Universe’s natural course of giving and taking. Recognizing that if you have a good thing today, there is absolutely no guarantee you may have it tomorrow. Gaining acceptance of the absolute unpredictable happening.
You see, there are many people who ascribe to “faith”, religious, or otherwise. As in moments of true void and hopelessness, it’s human nature to give in to that which is beyond you. It’s cathartic for the most part. Relief at its best. Resistance only leads to more ingratitude and impatience. It’s in moments of these absolute hardships, true “believers” are set aside from those to whom religion is more of a game of optics, oft to gain social relevance. As a result, it’s incredible how many get surprised by your resilience when questioned, why are you not questioning, to only respond, “it was written”.
The notion of maktoob (fate) in Islam, had always fascinated me, you see. I was very young when I had picked up a copy of the Quran (~15), to try and interpret it to my best ability. This verse especially, says,
“Indeed We have created all things in Proportion and Measure”.
It didn’t make sense to me until I looked at it from the point of view of Mathematics constructing the Universe. Every single matter, even in its simplest form, follows a defined path and direction, whether it’s the Earth orbiting the Sun, the Moon orbiting the Earth, or electrons orbiting the nucleus. In its set “proportion and measure”.
To further the point, God emphasizes human beings as His creation, akin to everything else, needing to follow “ Sirat al-Mustaqim”, meaning the right Path, the set Path, the way of Life. And, just as wandering from any other path at the subatomic micro-level leads to the annihilation of the particle, so does it very similarly lead to mayhem and chaos, at the macro-level of the cosmos. Life likewise everything else created, has a set mathematical “written path”, “route” of Mustaqim, straying from which leads to the instability of Life itself. Therefore, resisting that path, to try and question that set path, not only sets patterns of unproductive thought loop but from an Islamic metaphorical perspective, also physically leads to your self-destruction. And similarly, even in a secular, everyday term, it’s just isn’t healthy. Mentally, emotionally, physically.
I had the privilege of experiencing motherhood for the first time in my life. It was not planned for, I had not asked for it. However, like most things in life when I am given something, I acknowledge practicing gratitude. We learn from the verses of the Holy Quran that gratitude is an important aspect of Islamic character and that cultivating gratitude in Islam is a way to increase prosperity. Similarly, Science has proven the positive mental health benefits of continual practicing of gratitude, and its actual physical impact on neurology. As a result of my autonomous life philosophy also always coincidentally aligning with Islam, my husband and I chose to proceed with the pregnancy, despite being unsure at first.
We tried being good parents from thereon you see. We did everything by the book. To protect our baby from stressor hormones, we avoided stressful surroundings and actively deescalated any conflicts or disagreements we might have. We learned to live better, love better, and become closer to our own parents as a result of the experience. We hadn’t told anyone outside of immediate family and trusted friends about the pregnancy because we were afraid of “jinxing” it. We took great attention to ensuring we met the 20-week mark, and complete the anatomy scan, before informing most people we knew. We had done it all “correctly”, you see.
Despite it all, it only took one day for our lives to change dramatically. One day after we were told our pregnancy was proceeding more than optimally without difficulties. One day after being reassured our baby’s measurements were approaching model perfection. I had walked into the ER presuming I had an unusual discharge but was told I was dilated and losing my baby. My water had broken at 21 weeks. My baby was on its way, 2 weeks prior to his viability. They say that 1/100 pregnancies terminate in the second trimester for no apparent reason, and it just so happened that I fell into that 1% of chance and probability. After then, everything was a blur. I went into active labor within hours of learning the news and delivered our perfectly shaped, most gorgeous baby boy, who was just too little to breathe on his own. He began his life in my womb and had ended it there, not needing to come out to the world, never needing to breathe its air. It was an honor, to say to the least, an absolute privilege, yet to be deeply grieved.
Whatever you believe in or don’t believe in, the Universe, the Creator, or The One, works in the most mysterious of ways. I was given something I didn’t ask for, something I didn’t expect, but something I grew to love more than myself. It was also taken from me, without wanting, or expecting to be taken. All I was given, was this profound experience to hold on to, his short-lived memories to cherish. To have learned what it meant to be a mother. To have learned to be forever grateful for having had the opportunity to experience it. It’s hard to explain as tragic the story is, how beautiful it is at the same time. Reflection of the dual nature of the universe. In the Quran, Al-Hayat (Life) is mentioned exactly 145 times and so is Al-Maut (Death). And according to Quantum physics, all particles of matter exist in the perfect state of both Wave and Particle, at the same time.
In conclusion to our story, what I’m trying to explain is I think, as human beings, we look for cause and effect in everything. We always look to understand what has happened to us and try to find the most intrinsic meaning behind it. To able to feel like we are in some kind of “control” of our lives. We also take pride in our perceived but very limited understanding of “free will”. To eventually only experientially learn to humble down and realize, there is no such thing as true human “free will”. There is only the Will of God/Creator/The Power of the Universe. And resisting, denying, or questioning that is utterly futile and leads to only disappointment. Aligning with it, on the other hand, leads to acceptance, success, and eventual contentment.
Therefore, below is an ode to our beautiful baby boy, who was too perfect for this imperfect world. Too pure for this Dunya.
To baby Kaiaan, mum and dad will always love ya.
Kaiaan كيان
We’re missing you and we’re sorry.
But this wasn’t just meant to be our story.
Our loss of words
and dry eyes cry.
It’s hard to believe,
but this wasn’t goodbye.
Life will as it always has, go on.
Time will not stop but surely move on.
But we’ll keep standing here and waiting
to see your smile on the other side,
waving.
It’s not the end but the beginning,
Of a new day filled with hope and meaning.
We’ll stand here and wait for you.
As the One who Takes,
Will surely Take us back to you.
Till then we’ll love,
Love with all our hearts,
Let us be universes apart.
Till then we’ll love,
Love with all our hearts,
Let us be universes apart.
